The Struggle is Real: Black Women and Prioritizing Rest + Self Care

What’s a common challenge that Black women face with their self-care? Prioritizing rest. In today's fast-paced society, self-care and rest are often touted as essential components of wellness. Still, many Black women struggle to prioritize their own self-care, mental health, and rest. In this episode, we explore the reasons why we Black women face unique challenges when it comes to taking care of ourselves and discuss practical strategies for overcoming these obstacles and making self-care a priority in our daily lives. Grab a pillow, a cup of tea, and tune in as we delve into this important and timely topic.

Key Topics

• Why do we struggle with rest?
• How do I keep myself motivated to keep a rest practice long-term?
• What keeps us from keeping a long-term rest practice? 

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Transcript

Bethany: 0:03

Welcome to Radical Restoration, your go-to"pillow talk" podcast where we lean into rest, softness, and relaxation. I'm Bethany.

Niecie: 0:14

And I'm Niecie.

Bethany: 0:16

And our mission is to provide community care for black women who desire a more mindful lifestyle and who want to practice rest in a safe, empowering, nurturing space. If you're seeking more information, And support for implementing practical tools for rest and restoration, then welcome home. Let's get rested.

Niecie: 0:38

Let's do it. So today for this episode, we want to talk about the big old question, what is rest restoration and why is it so hard for black women to experience it? So we're gonna have little chatty chat about, about this, um, some background. Some things that are happening to us now. You'll probably hear some anecdotes, um, some stories from, from us and just things we've experienced as we've worked with other black women and their resting practices. Um, And hopefully you're able to find some things that are helpful or validating. We may not have all the solutions, um, that's part of the reason why the podcast exists, but just some things to think about and, and hopefully help you feel seen in the experience that you're having as far as having a consistent rest practice. Absolutely. So let's dive in. One of the things that, that we've been considering is this question of why do we struggle with rest? I guess we'll kind of just go back and forth here and offer just some ideas and things that we've noticed with the women that we've worked with and also from our, from our own lives here. Niecy, I guess what comes up for you? When you think about this question, I think when it comes to like struggling with rest, one of the first thing that comes up for me is, especially in, um, a US context, black women haven't really ever had the option to rest. I mean, ever since, for many of us, those of us with like African-American background, you know, we have enslaved ancestors who were brought over and immediately put to work. Mm-hmm. And then even through different eras, even when like, you know, official enslavement was over, there were other ways that the United States created other ways to keep black folks in line and keeping us, um, in places and positions where we had to work. Heavy labor often. Mm-hmm. Um, for low pay or no pay. Um, because our existence is to, in a lot of ways, in in white supremacist mind to serve them. And we're just kind of like, we're in like a service role always. Even though we are, some of us may be out of like the actual service professions or these professions of heavy labor. There's still this. Big idea that we are meant to work. We are workhorses as black folks, um, and black women in particular being of service to other people always. So that's what comes up for me. What about for you? Yeah,

Bethany: 3:14

I, I think as black women, I. I think that there is kind of this ingrained, and as you're saying, because of work culture and the history of work in the United States, particularly at the intersection of being a black body in the United States. I think that we're kind of, um, we've just been ingrained with this tendency to. And this belief that we always need to work, like work is like, that is like what is born and bred into us, I guess, to to, to put it in that term. Mm-hmm. And it's almost, I think a lot of times as well as black women, there is that, that idea of being a strong black woman, right? Like you are supposed to carry. Everything for your family, you're supposed to carry everything for the world. I think about how black women are always the ones, even it's even depicted, right? Like in media, like we're always the ones saving others. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. And that often feels like such a burden to carry. And oftentimes, I don't even think it's necessarily something we're really conscious of. Again, like it's almost this, like it's ingrained and written into our dna. Mm-hmm. Because of the trauma that. Our ancestors have experienced and the trauma that we're also, you know, experiencing today. I also think that there's, there's the impact too of, particularly like in the United States, this culture of work defines your worthiness, like how much you work. Mm-hmm. How much you produce is equal to. Your sense of worth or your sense of maybe deserved respect, or maybe there's this, right, this badge of busyness that we wear. Mm-hmm. Um, and that's also very just. It's something that's driven through the culture. We learn it in school at a young age, and then it continues on and on, right As we explore careers and we explore who we are in relation to our work. And so I think with the cultural aspects and historical aspects on top of that, it just adds another layer.

Niecie: 5:14

Yeah. And to go along with what you're saying, it produces a lot of shame. When you do not yes. Conform to what society expects of you. And that's across the board for everybody, you know, who's, um, impacted by capitalism, but then even being a black woman when there are so many expectations put on you for how you're supposed to behave. And I think mm-hmm. In the same way that you were mentioning, it's not super conscious to us all the time, I don't think it's conscious to, like most of the United States, right. How, and even other. Places in the world. Cuz I know that in other places, um, there are black women who are experiencing very similar if not the same thing, but there's a lot of shame associated with not falling in line with the stereotype or the expectation. Mm-hmm. And so the idea of rest people look at you sideways. Your boss looks at you sideways, your partners, you sideways. Um, yeah. Right. Um, and other people, you know, your friends, family, your parents might look at you sideways because again, we've all been, there's like this social conditioning that has happened that makes us really feel like we have to perform in this. Yes, superwoman. Workhorse type of way because you are expected to save everyone. Now, everyone believes that. And if you're not doing that, that's your fault and you've, you've cre, you've now created the situation where people aren't saved because you didn't do your job. Um, and so while I think we talk about, so I, and, and I bring that up I guess in a way to say, I understand and do believe in a little bit of the idea of black women or who's going to save us. Cuz it's like, you know, the lowest of them all is like the people who see everything and they have, they can understand like what's happening and can maybe give you the tools to get out of whatever situation you're in. I also think it's a bit damaging to perpetuate that idea. That black women are going to save everything or, or having the expectation. Mm-hmm. Because then it still puts us in the position of having to work so much harder to be like understood, heard, seen, and that, and it doesn't, it still doesn't really give us a lot of space to rest without that collective care piece. And that is also a long-term thing that we're just not very good at. So I think there's pros and cons to this, to these ideas about like, like the, the stereotypes that we have around black women, if that makes sense. Mm

Bethany: 7:35

mm-hmm. Yeah. The stereotypes that go back to that, that sense of we're the strong black women, we're super women. We do it all. We save all. And that's just not. I think it's something that, like you said, brings out that, that sense of shame because we do need spaces for us to be soft. Like we need spaces for us to be not strong. You know, like what a wait to carry all the time of this sense of I have to be strong, like I have to carry it all because then where's room for you to also lean on, uh, onto others and. I know that that's also something like a sense of feeling like everything is on your shoulders that a lot of black women face,

Niecie: 8:16

so Yeah, and it's almo like to what you're speaking to, it sound, it's like we don't have like this not having the spaces to be soft. It's like we can't be vulnerable. Um, yeah, we can't, we can't express certain emotions. I think about the neurodiverse black woman in my life. It's like you can't have h d, heaven forbid you have autism. If you're someone who struggles with their mental health and you've got clinical depression or high levels of anxiety, or P T S D or any sort of trauma that's triggered somehow, it's like you're not allowed to have that. You have to. Control that contain that quote unquote manage it. Um, which I don't think those are necessarily bad things to have to compartmentalize sometimes, but to feel like you cannot, there's, there's limits to what you're allowed to express and experience. I think it is so damaging to not have those soft spaces where you can be vulnerable and, you know, maybe have a come apart before you can get it together again. Whatever that looks like for you.

Bethany: 9:18

That's a great point. Absolutely. Cuz I think that that brings also that, that sense of like intersectionality of as black women we're so dynamic, there's so many things that. Make us beautiful. And even things that can present challenges in our lives are also a part of our wholeness and our beauty. And that's something that I think that, you know, one of our goals too, like with this podcast is to definitely make space for all of that, like the wholeness of who we are and make space for. Considering what each individual part of us that makes us our whole beautiful black self, how those need to be attended to in such like a soft, loving and gentle way. And, and so yeah, that's us creating a. That space for that as well.

Niecie: 10:05

So, um, so we've talked a little bit about why we struggle with rest and I'm sure there are a variety of other reasons. I've heard so many other reasons why it's hard to rest. Um, and just the context around that. We might get into that more in, in future episodes. Um, but Bethany, um, what are some ways that you keep yourself motivated or that you've seen other kids themselves motivated to have a consistent wrestling practice?

Bethany: 10:31

Hmm, hmm. That's such a good question because it's something that honestly, I have definitely struggled with, right? This idea of how do I remain motivated and, and also committed to this practice. And so, so it's a good, it's a good question to explore. And something I also wanna note that's, it's something that I continually have to reexamine and explore because I change my lifestyle changes, you know, at times or just particular things going on in life. And so, I think that there's nothing wrong with like coming back and reexamining that and figuring out a new way that it can, that it can work. So I actually work with my own coach and, um, one of the first, one of the first things that I wanted to work on was. Creating a rest practice. And so it's definitely, so this, this topic is fresh in my mind cause it's something that I've been continually refining and experimenting with. That's another word that I would, or another theme that I would highlight is I think for me, The motivation comes from looking at this as like little experiments. Okay, I'm gonna experiment with how often I wanna be intentional about resting. It's not gonna be something that I'm like bound to. I think sometimes in like the self-care movement, there's sometimes there's a lot of like pressure on, I am like chained and bound to this routine and I can't like step outside of it at all. And so that's actually. A mindset that I've been working on to release and I've noticed that that has act, that actually has helped me with staying motivated with my rest practice. Cuz sometimes it gets boring or you know, or sometimes I'm like, this isn't actually fitting what I need right now. Like maybe last week I really needed to like take hot baths as part of my, you know, rest practice in the evening or whatever. Yeah. Mm-hmm. This week. It literally might be like, I need to watch a show on Netflix. Like I just need to lay down and watch a show on Netflix and be okay with that. So, so I guess a couple things to highlight. Staying in an experi, in an experimental mindset with my rest practices, being open to, um, playing with them, changing it up, experimenting with the time. And I call it a, a practice because for me, and it's gonna look different for everybody, but I need to have certain times or maybe blocks of time throughout the day that I set intentionally for rest. Mm-hmm. Otherwise, I get carried on with. Kind of back into that again, like that quote unquote productivity mindset. Yeah. Um, and I prioritize what I'm considering to be productive above. My rest practice. So keeping like a kind of a like time blocks helps me something that also keeps me motivated with my coach. We worked on not being beholden to a set amount of time, so that's why I use the terminology of creating blocks of time. So for instance, when I get home from work in the past, my um, tendency would be to just. Get right away, you know, to the very next thing. Right? And so we expanded that to be just at least five minutes, just simple five, even just five minutes. That's dedicated to me. Um, and it maybe it'll be more, you know, hey, it was 30 minutes or an hour. It's not so much about the time, but more just about just the showing up for myself. Mm-hmm. And not, again, not feeling like it has to be a certain amount of time. So I would say I. Redefining what productive means has been also really helpful. Like realizing and honoring that productivity is also resting, like rest is productive. Because if I don't rest, if I don't recharge, I'm not gonna be able to show up, you know, fully functional in other capacities of my life, so, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, redefining that. I would say those, those are probably the things that come top of mind that I've really been. Working on, um, setting boundaries with myself. So, for instance, in the evenings, uh, I didn't really have kind of a cutoff time for doing what I'm, what I'm calling like, Just, just work anything that felt quote unquote worky. Yeah. Um, I've had to, for me, it's been helpful to have a boundary. And so I say, okay, seven o'clock is that boundary and past that is my time to do what I want for me, you know, and it's, my rest can also be leisure, rest can be joy. And so, yeah, you know, it's just kind of whatever I need that evening. Do I need more leisure? Do I need more? Something that feels more like restorative. And so I need to not be as, you know, active or, you know, it's, so, it's also dependent on my energy levels. So, so far those are some, some things that have stood out for me. And what about you ni, like what has your, what's your experience been with staying motivated with rest? Yeah.

Niecie: 15:37

Um, well, I think something that you mentioned as being pretty important, it, it sounds, it sounds like there's like this intuitive part of the. Resting experience, like understanding what it is that your body wants or needs. Mm-hmm. In terms of that. And I, I do resonate with that in terms of, um, like as, as far as my own life goes and my resting practice, cuz mine does change. Like what I, what. Works for me one day or week or season may not work in the next. Mm-hmm. And, uh, like the little experiments, I think that is a pretty accurate description of what it feels like is experimenting with certain things. Me, I mean, I've, in the last. Year, year and a half. I mean, I, I really restructured my life to be, to give myself more space for rest. Um, you know, I left my W2 job in order to work for myself full-time, and I didn't have the, you know, the three or six months safety net of money that they people typically recommend. I was trying to work on that, but, Um, I was, I was doing therapy basically seven days a week. At that point in time. I had just started my private practice and I got to a point where I just really felt intuitively like, if you don't quit this W two job now, it's gonna be harder in, in the future. You're not gonna be happy. You're gonna miss a lot of opportunities that you really want, um, and that are a better fit for you in your life. And so I, I went ahead and just took that. Leap and made that decision. I left that job. I've been working for myself full-time for about a year and three months now, and the things that I was worried about as far as like, am I gonna lose my apartment? Am I gonna have enough money for stuff? Am I gonna be okay? I mean, I just had the reassurance that I would be fine, and that if I, again, like if I didn't do it, then I was going to basically regret that. Which was a pretty strong feeling for me at that time. Um mm-hmm. Because I felt, I feel like I had been, I was getting pushed in this direction, but was kind of resistant because I fe like the practical parts of it weren't coming together the way that I thought they should, listening and following through with what I felt intuitively in that moment was I, I do think the better choice. Um, and I understand for different people, that's gonna be, they're gonna, you, you have to fill that out into different things cuz sometimes, Practicality does went out or, or you find a good balance between them. But in that moment, I remember like, no, you've done all the practical things. You see that this is not working out for you. And so the intu, so the intuition part, following that in that moment, I mean it's, yeah, it did yield. A lot more like financially. I was totally fine. I actually made in revenue the same amount of money that I was making before taxes at my other job. I found that out and I was like, wow, whoa. So it was like, which was reassuring.

Bethany: 18:32

It's a scam!

Niecie: 18:33

I know. Um, it was, but reassuring for me, like, yes, you taking. This step that gives you more room to structure your life the way that you want. Cuz now it's like I only do therapy three days a week. It's the latter half of the week, the first half of the week. I can do, I can take my time with other tasks. I do a lot of admin stuff, you know, I do business stuff or whatever. And I have my consulting work that I do. Um, but I don't have to be in therapist mode. I don't have to be with my. Folks in crisis all the time. The way that I was at my other job and I felt, and I didn't have to, I basically didn't have to work with folks that I felt weren't really. Honoring what I had to bring to the table work-wise. Mm-hmm. Um, I could create my own environment. And so I say that not to say that everybody should leave their W2 job or whatever. Mm-hmm. I don't want that to be the main message, even though I know a lot of black women do end up doing that. The main message here, I think, though, is the, the like following the intuition and trusting myself and what I felt like the ancestors were telling me as far as, Hey, this is how we break the chain. This is how we, you know, we go from surviving to thriving because I feel like everything that they did was purposeful, but I also felt like I had permission to, to do something different and that I had their support. Mm-hmm. And that made a big difference for me. So that's a way that I've actually like created this season in my life to be one where I can rest a lot more. I mean, I have not experienced burnout one time. In the last year and three months. Wow. Yeah. Like I, I've taken several trips and the thing, and I still work hard. Like I don't want it to come off, like I don't work hard. I do. Um, but I feel like the quality of my work is so much better because I can, I get more sleep now. I do more things that are pleasurable and fun for me. I'm able to spend more time with people that I care about, um, as I go travel and do other things. So, and I can build more of my relationships, I feel like. In my different friend groups. I just, I'm more present. I initiate things more. Um, so more of the things that I value. I, I now have space for that. And so I really lean into that. Mm-hmm. And I'm, and I'm grateful that I trusted my intuition in that crucial moment to be able to be here. Now. That's powerful. Like, I'm, I'm still chewing on that statement. You made the things that I value, I now have space for. And I think that's a, that's, that's a huge part of this idea of rest of like, what is it that I value that's not, that I don't have space for now, and how do I create space for that? Because that is just those things that you value and love and they give you joy or give you peace, um, are just as important as. All the other, you know, things on your to-do list, right? Mm-hmm. That's a, that's, those are just as crucial to make sure you have space for, in your 24 hours each, you know, of your, of your daily life. So I'm curious, cuz you mentioned, um, you know, how of, you know, of course there are a lot of women who are that, that do currently work in W2 situations and may still want to. Um, continue on, on that path. Mm-hmm. Which is totally fine. Mm-hmm. And so, but I do know that there are, you know, a lot of women that I've come across, um, myself being one, but that are wanting to follow a path, a different path or, you know, work outside of a W two situation. And so I'm wondering, like, based off your experience, what would you like, what advice or, you know, what nuggets would you offer? To folks who are really trying to, I guess, craft that, that path for themselves. Um, I think my biggest piece of advice would be kind of going back to what I mentioned earlier about figuring out, I think everybody makes decisions differently and I think there's different ways people make decisions and oftentimes we talk about like the head versus heart type of decisions and how they can clash. And so, um, and I think there's more to it, but I guess to kind of make it more simplistic, I think there are times when you can, you can do all the practical planning and mm-hmm. Um, and you can have a, a plan in place, but then we all know that life takes you in different directions. Mm-hmm. Um, and so I, if you're in a position. Where you feel like you're able to make a level handed and a heart and a heartful decision, meaning like your, your emotions match what your logic is. I think getting to that spot is ideal. Mm-hmm. Sometimes you don't always get there though, and you have to make a decision, one or the other. I do think that like getting clearheaded or, and clear hearted, whatever that means for you, I think that is so crucial before you make a decision, a big decision. If you have other people like dependents, if you have a partner or kids or you know, folks you take care of, you know, they should be part of the decision too, in your considerations. I don't have those, so I was. Quite free to make decisions, um, in that way. And I do know that like just work culture, uh, privileges, people like me who don't have dependence and we could work a million hours if we wanted to. And could drop things at a or they think that, you know, at a drop of a hat, I can go do something. I don't function that way, but I know that a lot of work cultures, they value people like me who can give them more. But I do think like if you're trying to make the transition from W two to, you know, self-employment, making sure you have all the players as part of the decision, at least your decision making process. Cuz yeah, those, those folks are gonna have feelings and thoughts about it too, regardless of like, inclusive of the decision that you make. And then I, yeah, I think a big thing is being grounded and trusting yourself in the decision. Both creating the supports to help you as you go through with it, and also hoping that you will be supported like metaphysically, spiritually, whatever it is. Like whatever gives you purpose or meaning in life that you feel is driving you, making sure you're still in constant. Like consistent connection with that thing as you're going through it. Cuz you're gonna need reminders about why you made the decision that you did. Mm-hmm. Because if you're in this position, I'm guessing you're gonna have, you're gonna be pulled pretty tightly in both directions. Maybe one a little more than the other, but there's still like, Probably some pretty significant pros and cons. So you're gonna need reminders for why you, you know, stayed in, in the W2 job or why you made the leap to self-employment, cuz there's gonna be things about it that you're like, ugh, this is not, this is not great. Cuz like self-employment, I mean, It's a lot of work, um, building that for yourself. Absolutely. Um, you know, the financial insecurity cuz you know, like now you're an entrepreneur in some senses and so you don't like, immediately have a salary, um, in a lot of cases. And so you, I I think there are ways to make informed decisions and also make sure you have the supports at the, at the ready for you when you, once you make that decision and are following through, especially that first year, cuz that can be really hard.

Bethany: 25:35

That's great. That's great feedback. Having that support system is so crucial, and like you said, having your why, you know, like your, your reason, like what's, what's driving you toward that path is important too. So

Niecie: 25:50

any final thoughts Bethany, on um, this topic here as we wrap up?

Bethany: 25:55

I think, oh, one of the things. That I wanna make sure that, that we talked about here was the, the idea of doing the rest practices that you really enjoy. I know that's something that, oh, yeah. We had wanted, we wanted to make note of, because again, it kind of goes back to like we have, we have a lot of messages about what rest means, what it looks like, what self-care means, what that looks like. So many of those ideas and just this kind of established. Culture that, that we have going on about that are so helpful. And I think that they, they provide such a great ground or like a grounding framework for how we can build and adopt these types of rest. And I think to expand upon that, just recognizing that it's okay if someone else's version of Russ doesn't match yours, or again, if. Some type of rest really works for you at one period in your life, but then that definition or how you're needing to implement it might change down the road. Um, and that probably goes also into like the seasonality, right? We, we have different season in our lives and, you know, we will have different needs accordingly. And so yeah, that's, that would probably be my last thought on there. Anything from you? Yeah.

Niecie: 27:17

I think that is, um, now a good, a good thing to to end on because, um, self-care and resting all those things, they're gonna look different for different people. And I do, I know sometimes for some people all like, all they can do is get up and take a shower or all they can do is, you know, brush their teeth and maybe do their laundry or something, which are wonderful things. And I think also, In the doing of the laundry. Does that, is that bringing you joy to have that done? Mm-hmm. Cause if it's not bringing you joy, like yeah, okay, do it or don't, whatever, but finding those practices that are, are good for you. Maybe you know that's also relative, but making sure you do find. Pleasure in it. You're connecting it to your, why it's valuable to you, um, and keep and being mindful of those things as you're engaging in the practice because then you have, you, you kind of build a reserve of positive experiences around it. Um, and that may be, that may become, you know, a pretty regular routine that now you have. A very like, pleasurable experience with, and it become, and you wanna do it more and then you add more into your practice and it doesn't feel so heavy over time. So yeah, I really believe in doing things that you enjoy, that feel valuable and meaningful to you. Um, whatever that looks like for you. Mm.

Bethany: 28:37

I love that we might have to have an episode one of these days that talks about how to, like you said, you know, if you're, if you just need to incorporate little types of rest that feel good to you. Mm-hmm. Um, Over time, then maybe start, that's a great idea of like starting with, okay, maybe it's laundry. Like how can you make laundry feel a little bit more restful or more enjoyable and mm-hmm. That's listening to a favorite audio book while you do it or podcast or same with like the dishes. I don't know that, that could be interesting to explore someday.

Niecie: 29:11

For sure. Yeah, no, definitely. Yeah, I, I agree with that. Um, so thanks for listening everyone. If you enjoyed this episode and you'd like to help support the podcast, please share it with others, post about it on social media, or leave a rating and a review to catch all the latest from us. You can follow our podcast and content on Instagram at@blackradicalrestoration. Wanna check out what I'm up to? Follow me@nieciejonesphd on Instagram. You can also check out what Bethany's up to at@coachbethanycherry on Instagram. If you have a question about anything on the topic of rest, please send it over to us at our email address, blackradicalrestoration@gmail.com. Thanks again and we'll see you next time. Bye.